The State of Affairs

书名：The State of AffairsRethinkingInfidelity
作者：EstherPerel
译者：
ISBN：9780062322586
出版社：Harper
出版时间：2017-10-10
格式：epub/mobi/azw3/pdf
页数：336
豆瓣评分： 8.6

书籍简介：

Iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity. Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about the human heart—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it—in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book. For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart. Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

作者简介：

Esther Perel is a couples and family therapist with a private practice in New York City. She is on the faculty of the International Trauma Studies program at Columbia University, is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, and has appeared on many television programs, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Day New York, CBS This Morning, and HBO's Women Aloud. She lives in New York City with her husband and two children.

书友短评：

@ 远读重洋 尽管案例有些杂乱，但是从中引出的观点和问题非常引人深思。很欣赏作者的态度：审慎和客观地检视每段关系，不妄下结论或贴标签，巧妙地发问，且富有同理心。她的podcast也很棒。//书在快结尾的时候提到 “Marriage without virginity was once inconceivable. So, too, sex without marriage. We are touching the new frontier, where sex outside can live within a marriage.” 不禁感叹我们真的太落后了… @ M 某个校友推荐的心灵/心理书籍，结果看完发现书的逻辑性不是很强。虽然穿插了很多案例更生动，总体真是硬着头皮读完时常在思考so what。作者偶有一些惊世骇俗的新奇观点，但是给出的论点论据又不慎强。可能因为写的是infidelity这么有争议的话题，还是得走PC路线吧，也有可能作者共情能力极好所以不judgmental。一句话总结：如果不想遭遇婚外情，那就让自己的感情里也保持激情想象力关心好奇心以及刺激。 @ Julia [Audiobook] 比Esther的另一本mating in captivity更深入，毕竟这本只是专注于infidelity的问题。自己的价值观和Esther讲的基本没有什么区别，但在大多数人和mainstream practitioner看来这样的openness可能是很极端的，摊手。毕竟现在并没有做过系统的couple therapy的training，所以也不用很纠结personal value和clinical work的问题。很好奇以后如果做Gottman的training要怎么整合非常不同的价值观233

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